Unmasking

Have you ever said something and then immediately wish that you could un say it? Well this is a story about one of those moments, and it took place during the SECOND time I made a tiny little dent in the UK hip hop scene… Oh… and I have video evidence….

“well rap is like the most important part of my life, like…I still go to school and stuff, but….”

That was me, 34 years ago, speaking on UK national television…  and BOY did it shape the rest of my life.

It’s story time.

Some of you know (and many of you won’t know) that I was in an often forgotten but critically acclaimed foundational UK hip hop group back in the late 80s and early 90s.

My best friend, Reu, and I met DJ Xtreme and GLK at a place called Platform 1, a community project in Forest Hill, South London, where THEY were running a hip hop workshop. We instantly hit it off and quickly reorganized our two crews (DSP or Def Style Posse, and UDB or Unidentified Drum Beat) into one super group, Lords of Rap. The year… 1989.

One evening after school, I was hanging out in Platform 1 with Reu when Alvin, the Rasta youth worker, said to us “you know that workshop that you lot did last week in Peckham? Turns out the BBC heard about it and are going there tonight to film some youths rapping and DJing. That was because of you lot, you know. If you want, I’ll drive you there and you can try to get involved.”

Firstly I did not run any workshop there, that must have been DJ Xtreme and GLK. But we couldn’t get hold of them (this was a time before mobile phones were really a thing) and right in that moment it was just me and Reu. So I guess it’s on US. I’m not gonna pretend that we weren’t slightly intimidated by the idea of Peckham and whatnot, but we couldn’t pass on this opportunity.

“Let’s GO.”  I rushed home, grabbed my record bag, and asked my mum if I could go DJ in Peckham who…. reluctantly agreed… and off we went.

We arrive as they were setting up the equipment. No one there knows us, in fact they ignored us, we were outsiders. But we’re here to do our thing, and when the time was right, our thing we DO.

It went well. People accepted us.(hooray).

Now, feeling all courageous and unstoppable we think…. “what if we get the BBC to come to Platform 1? That way they could film the WHOLE group. We could get on the Telly! We’ll be famous!”

So we waited outside to intercept the BBC crew as they were leaving. As they emerged from the estate, we got to talking and SOMEHOW these two young kids from leafy Sydenham sold them on the idea! It was a done deal. We’re gonna be famous!

This turned into 2 more days of filming just US in Forest Hill and Ladbroke Grove (not our area but they wanted to get the standard kids in front of graffiti shot) as well as your mandatory walking montage.

Ok ok let me address a couple of things you may notice. First…. The outfits!

In preparation for being on the telly, we bought new outfits, the black shell suits. Yeeeeah we thought that was a good idea. It certainly made us stand out. I got recognized and signed autographs whenever I wore it in the following months. And yes, it was as sweaty as it looks!

I also wore a cap. The thing is, I didn’t really wear caps in real life at the time…. but I got it from General George on Carnaby Street (those that know, know) along with the name belt buckles. It was a whole thing back then. Don’t ask me why.

Next… my accent!

When I started rapping rapping I had a fairly poor American accent. It was NOT good AND I didn’t feel comfortable pretending. So later on I switched it up. But that was a complex move. Here I still have the dodgy accent….

I used to SPEAK with a strong south London cockney accent. Not a real cockney accent but some mish mash.., and that’s what I used for a lot of the Lords or Rap stuff.

“like you go to school and it’s all formal and you have to do what you’re told but when you’re rapping it’s… it’s bring out what… what you really are your…. Your real feelings”

And then you have my CLASSROOM accent (remember, I was at school then) which was relatively posh by comparison. Not real posh but you know… I went to one of those “good” schools so that had an influence.

I listen to it now and it blows my mind how different I sound to how I remember sounding.

Next, my outlook. How I saw the world.

I took most things VERY seriously back then, particularly my music. I had PASSION.

“people think of rap as totally violent, they think of all the violence… they hear about violence at hip hop concerts but they don’t wanna…. They don’t hear about the violence at other concerts like soul concerts or something…. They just presume it’s only hip hop.”

Soul concerts? What WAS I talking about? Haha….

I also tried to be accepted by my hip hop peers and so wrote a bunch of lyrics that I no longer agree with. I don’t even know if I really thought those things then. Hey, I was 16, a completely different person. And that’s the point… we are ALL completely different people than our 16 year old selves. If you’re not, then there’s been no growth.

For context, this show aired on BBC1, the main TV station in the UK back then. And it aired pretty much at prime time, right before Neighbours (shout out to Kylie Minogue). So a LOT of people saw this, including EVERYONE that was on my school bus the following day.

The day after it aired I remember walking up the stairs of the 194 bus like a hero, everyone was looking, smiling, talking….

… and then I got to MY people at the back, the handful of black kids that went to my school. We were like family, cousins. And you know how cousins don’t hold back, right. At first they were like “yeah man, nice. We saw it”…. And then swiftly cut to the chase.

“You know, right at the end….bredrin….  When you were talking….. why the HELL did you say that? Sounded a bit lame, bro…..”

And then the laughter erupted… and I had no come back.

Just to set more context…. The others were interviewed with the camera much further away but when it came to my part it started raining and so we found shelter to continue filming. Now I’m backed up against a wall with the camera right in my face… it was awkward…. Ok ok….enough excuses. Let me play you what they were laughing about. The question I was asked was something like “tell us what hip hop means to you”….

“well rap is like the most important part of my life, like… I still go to school and stuff but when you wake up… like…. The first thing I see is, like, my …. My decks… and I just have to touch ‘em, it’s like…. That’s what I’m living.”

In all fairness, they were right, it WAS funny! Back then, I didn’t see the funny side though, and this line… followed me throughout the rest of my life, popping up in new social situations JUST when I thought it had faded like Bing Bong in the collective memory dump. In fact, it was a deep cut that took decades to heal.

So why? Why DID I say that? Well that’s obvious to me NOW. I was uncomfortable… I was already socially awkward without the cameras. But I was answering authentically. I had passion, remember. I was free. Also…. I was unmasked! And the reaction I felt to this line got me wearing a mask to protect myself from future humiliation. Masking is common amongst autistic people. It’s how we move through the world often to meet social expectations, to ‘pass’. Fake smiles, mirroring, scripting… it’s a whole thing, go look it up. Masking is done consciously and it’s EXHAUSTING!

Ironically wearing an actual mask so much these past few years has helped me unmask, no need to fake smile or pander to expectations of normalization.As I metaphorically rake pebbles in the zen garden of my mind there is no desire to seek acceptance, soooo masking…. No longer necessary. I mostly don’t do it now.

So there you have it, some (very) recent revelations about myself. Who I was. Who I’ve become. I’m fortunate enough to have historical evidence to help me reexamine and work through this stuff, so I thought I’d share my findings with you. Now your turn…